Last night, I had a conversation with a young man I’ve known for quite a while. As he was speaking about a situation in his new career, I picked up on a theme that has run through the ten years or so of his employment history. Rather than lending the typical sympathetic ear that comes so easily to such exchanges, I instead took a different tact.

I pointed out to him that in virtually all of the jobs he’d held, he complained about the ineptitude of his supervisors. It seemed like in every case, he’d ended up quitting his job over the unfairness that he perceived in the situation. Instead of joining in with his latest bit of self-pity, I challenged him to lay aside the blaming and complaining and instead take the circumstances and demonstrate his ability to function well and truly be a leader.

“Someone is watching you right now,” I asserted, “and they’re going to notice whether you criticize or rise up. It could be a test,” I continued, “and if you show them that even when you’re not in a great situation you still do a great job, they will be impressed.”

I knew that I was taking a risk in the relationship, but we seldom make a key difference by taking the easy way out or the safest route. “You have a chance here,” I concluded, “to make a powerful change in the way you respond to these situations, a change that could have a profound effect on your whole career, even the rest of your life. Move from the blaming and complaining of being a victim to the habit of finding opportunity even in the unfair situations.”

When he thanked me for “being real with him,” I responded, “You have tremendous intellect and ability; I want to help you maximize it.”

I found myself thinking, way into the night, about the talk and the things I’d said to him. I surprised myself with the degree of honesty in my confrontation.

In fact, as I continued my reflection on the serendipitous exchange we’d had, I got so carried away with what I said, I’m even thinking about using it myself. That’s the real test of the advice we give to others.

H. Arnett
1/31/12