From the time of my childhood, I’ve seen how some people respond to others, monitoring their actions, responding to them in kind, returning sleight for sleight, insult for insult, hurt for hurt. With them, even family members have to earn their place at the table, so to speak. Love and approval seem to be so intertwined that it is scarcely possible to distinguish between the two. Do something good, get something nice. Do something bad, pay the price. I’ve seen actions that were surely unintentional punished for years: exclusions from invitations, kept from communications, ignored at social gatherings.

I’ve seen others who choose to use the way of forgiveness and forbearance. Insults and sleights are ignored and peace is offered in a hundred different ways. Rather than fuel the insatiable fire of retaliation and the sinister ways of silence, they continue to love, embrace and live. Rather than counting the cuts, they just use salve and smile, welcoming the continued associations rather than grieving the self-inflicted separations.

There are powerful lessons in these things and powerful forces at work. Either we teach our children and ourselves that love is unconditional or we teach them that it is earned and subject to change without notice. Either we teach that relationship is more important than justice or that neither blood nor love is more important than what is deserved. Either we learn to live by grace and mercy or we writhe in the agony of actions dictated by law and judgment.

Is it really that tough to choose?

H. Arnett
7/28/09