The Finer Points of Law

The Missouri Highway Patrol has this amazing courtesy information program. For only ten dollars, one of their many friendly patrolmen will arrange a personal conversation with you, no matter how urgent your trip or time frame. They will take time out from their very busy day in order to bring you up to speed, so to speak, on some of the finer points of Missouri traffic law.

Say for instance that there is a light mist in the air and you, being an ignorant lowlife scum-sucking Out-of-State humanoid are under the mistaken impression that your daytime running lights, visible from the next county on a misty day, fulfill the intent of the Missouri lights and wipers law. This law states that whenever weather conditions require the use of wipers, “lighted lamps” must be in use. Oh so sorry, not those lighted lamps, no indeed.

Again, for only ten dollars, Officer Joe Johnston, or some other equally friendly representative of the MHP will pull you over, delay your travels without additional charge and provide you with this important information: you, sir, are breaking the laws of the state of Missouri and we don’t abide such from riffraff passing through these parts.

Officer Johnston, or other MHP member of similar grace and charm, will also, for no extra charge, verify that your insurance and registration are proper and current. In addition to that, and this will just curl your toenails with extreme gratitude, Officer Johnston will also request that the Invisible Person with Radio Receiver and Transmitter will check to see if there are any outstanding warrants on you or Other Person Who Has the Same Name.

You may be quite surprised, as indeed I truly was, to discover that “you” do indeed have such warrants. Should you discover that someone else, who has the same name as you do, has indeed run afoul of the law, in whatever slight or serious manner, you will be especially grateful to learn this: said foul villain does NOT have the same Social Security Number as you. Now, if by the strangest stroke of grievous injustice it turns out that this person DOES have the same SSN as you do… well, that story isn’t going to end quite so soon or sweetly. Non-extraditable warrant or not.

I am glad that when I stand before the One True and Great Judge, I won’t have to worry about what stupid things some other poor fool has done. In fact, thanks to the grace of the God Whose Son Died for Me, even the stupid things this fool has done will be covered.

And, by the way, just in case Harold W. Arnett of Cape Girardeau, Missouri, is reading: get your vehicle properly registered, dude. Today!

H. Arnett

About Doc Arnett

Native of southwestern Kentucky currently living in Ark City, Kansas, with my wife of twenty-nine years, Randa. We have, between us, eight children and twenty-eight grandkids. We enjoy singing, worship, remodeling and travel.
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